Plight of the Expat Spouse

My wife cried for several days after our arrival. She had every right to be scared and full of regret. After a 12 hr flight into Germany, the taxi (hired by the company) dropped us at the company sponsored flat. It was late on a Friday afternoon in early April. I rememer the shock upon entering the kitchen as there were 3 jars on counter (salt, sugar, pepper) and not a scrap of food in the fridge or on a shelf. There were no instructions or locations for local grocery stores, no directory of restaurants, no phone numbers for an emergency. We had figured that banks were closed by now, we were warned that most merchants don't accept Visa/Master Card.

It has the feeling of being abandon on an island and forced to survive upon 5lbs of baby food tucked deep within the luggage. It was a sobering moment for me personally and professionally. I came to the stark realization that my company knows nothing of expats and their family. They wrongly figure you'll get in, and get settled, just like any German family. In some ways, they had pushed us into an uncomfortable emotional state and we had to rise to the occassion.

Later that night Chris, a manager from the German office, called to see how we were settling in. I kept my composure during the call while all my emotional strength was focused on screaming. My wife had stopped crying and finally had fallen asleep. Chris told me of a local pizza parlor nearby and I found an ATM machine along the way. I'd been in town only 5 hrs and I'd gained a new appreciation of expat life.

You have about 10-14 days before that 'vacation' feeling will start to fade for your spouse.  That odd time when things stop feeling so abstract and you must figure out basic tasks (apartment hunting, bus routes, grocery shopping) for yourself.   This part can get really bothersome and frightful for your spouse, while you sit 9 hrs a day at the office. 

The time for sitting around has passed and now you must start entering the German society with all it's rules, customs, and patterns.    You and your spouse will have to move outside your comfort zone and start asking questions, start testing boundries of comfort, and start making a full effort at acclimation.

You need to get your spouse involved in daily activity.  Any activity that sets a routine and adds a level of purpose for each day.  All too often, the spouse has no other activity or support group and they are left feeling bored, angry, or resentful.   You need to help your spouse with this transition and give them a push out the door.   It's unlikely they will do it for themselves as it can look/fee to intimidating.  

A 1989 study by the Journal of Management, attempts to draw a connection between the capacity of an overseas expat manager and the ability for his/her spouse to acclimate to the new life.   Additionally, the adjustment of the manager is directly coorelated to the adjustment of the spouse.   It ain't all about the work!


Start here and start quickly.  Direct your spouse into:  
-Search out local expat support groups
-Bring your collegues over for dinner with their spouses
-Look for clubs/activities for the kids
-Publish a blog on the experiences

The Decision to Become an Expat

It all started rather simple when I look back on things. The year was 1997 and I'd been working for a $1.1B software company [name intentionally withheld] for just over 2 yrs. The company, while privately held, maintained offices around the world with a European headquarters in Germany.   I was working out of the Chicago sales office. 

I'd had an easy and successful career in sales and enjoyed the company culture and management style. I had enjoyed my commute to downtown Chicago, selling data mining software to the dozen major banks and credit card firms.  I was making a name for myself by sales and securing customer references.   Staff from overseas offices were asking me about how I was selling to my accounts, if their subsid banking operations would buy software, and so forth.   It never really seemed difficult considering the banks were always looking for an edge over the competition.

In March 1998, I had brought home a copy the annual report and left it on the kitchen table.  My wife looked at it and marveled at all the international offices maintained by my employer.  She had the impression we were just a simple US software operation, without much success overseas.   In actuality, the company had 30 offices in Europe. 

She triggered the conversation with the innocent statement, " It would be neat to live overseas for a year or two, huh?!"   That was start of bigger things to come.  I spent next 3 weeks writing a new business proposal for our European managers and pitching them my skills.   In Dec 1998, they were finally ready and able to bring me over to the German office for a meet & greet.   I had 2-3 days of interviews planned, my wife had 2-3 days of shopping and excursions.   We arrived during the famous Heidelberg Weinachtsmarkt.   If you ever want to win over the spouse, visit Germany during Christmas Market.   We had the 'rose-colored classes' firmly affixed to our faces.   

As I recall the events of that 'meet & greet' expedition, on the flight home we made the decision to take the job and relocate.   My wife had a distinctly different view of events.   There were dozens of questions that needed answers.  

In my view, it was now a matter of a currency converter (salary negotiations) and resolving cost-of-living adjustments.   Oh...there was that small matter of my wife having to quit her job, sell our home, dispose of two cars, and transition with a 5 month old son.   

Rule 1.  Get someone/something to win-over the spouse.
Rule 2.  Don't bother with email, contact Europeans by phone.
Rule 3.  Prepare the spouse early/often on planning.
Rule 4.  Nothing happens fast in Europe.