Plight of Expat Spouse - Part 2

For the record, my wife was entirely 'gung-ho' about moving overseas.   She had to quit her job, leave her friends, and stay home with kids.   In some part, I'm entirely to blame for my overzelous desire to move overseas.   I had to see the world, improve my career standing, escape the 2 hr daily commute, and test my skills with another culture.  

While you don't see it all clearly then, you need to come to the conclusion it's all about you.   Your spouse was dragged along for the ride.  They don't get to decide time, travel, living conditions, friends.  It has been decided for them by the constraints of the relocation and your job committment.   The spouse has a life where every day has a new challenge.  How to pay the bills, buy groceries in an unfamiliar language, work out directions in a new land, make new friends where there maybe little in common.  

Often, we'd hear stories of military wives who never left the base.  They had friends, movies, schools, stores all within the confines of the base and seldom ventured outside its walls.  I consider that an 'island of America' within a foreign country.  It's home but not real.  Adapting to and adopting with German society is painful. 

At my office, I failed to recognize that my wife required 2 hrs to find the right foods at the store.  She had to learn entire sections in the grocery store.  She had to find substitutes for American products that did not exist in Germany (Baking Soda).  Everyday required some challenge and life was not going to get any easier. 

Give your spouse lots of time to sound-off.   Don't travel extensively during the first 60 days.  Try to get help from others where/when you can.  Be patient. 

Plight of the Expat Spouse

My wife cried for several days after our arrival. She had every right to be scared and full of regret. After a 12 hr flight into Germany, the taxi (hired by the company) dropped us at the company sponsored flat. It was late on a Friday afternoon in early April. I rememer the shock upon entering the kitchen as there were 3 jars on counter (salt, sugar, pepper) and not a scrap of food in the fridge or on a shelf. There were no instructions or locations for local grocery stores, no directory of restaurants, no phone numbers for an emergency. We had figured that banks were closed by now, we were warned that most merchants don't accept Visa/Master Card.

It has the feeling of being abandon on an island and forced to survive upon 5lbs of baby food tucked deep within the luggage. It was a sobering moment for me personally and professionally. I came to the stark realization that my company knows nothing of expats and their family. They wrongly figure you'll get in, and get settled, just like any German family. In some ways, they had pushed us into an uncomfortable emotional state and we had to rise to the occassion.

Later that night Chris, a manager from the German office, called to see how we were settling in. I kept my composure during the call while all my emotional strength was focused on screaming. My wife had stopped crying and finally had fallen asleep. Chris told me of a local pizza parlor nearby and I found an ATM machine along the way. I'd been in town only 5 hrs and I'd gained a new appreciation of expat life.

You have about 10-14 days before that 'vacation' feeling will start to fade for your spouse.  That odd time when things stop feeling so abstract and you must figure out basic tasks (apartment hunting, bus routes, grocery shopping) for yourself.   This part can get really bothersome and frightful for your spouse, while you sit 9 hrs a day at the office. 

The time for sitting around has passed and now you must start entering the German society with all it's rules, customs, and patterns.    You and your spouse will have to move outside your comfort zone and start asking questions, start testing boundries of comfort, and start making a full effort at acclimation.

You need to get your spouse involved in daily activity.  Any activity that sets a routine and adds a level of purpose for each day.  All too often, the spouse has no other activity or support group and they are left feeling bored, angry, or resentful.   You need to help your spouse with this transition and give them a push out the door.   It's unlikely they will do it for themselves as it can look/fee to intimidating.  

A 1989 study by the Journal of Management, attempts to draw a connection between the capacity of an overseas expat manager and the ability for his/her spouse to acclimate to the new life.   Additionally, the adjustment of the manager is directly coorelated to the adjustment of the spouse.   It ain't all about the work!


Start here and start quickly.  Direct your spouse into:  
-Search out local expat support groups
-Bring your collegues over for dinner with their spouses
-Look for clubs/activities for the kids
-Publish a blog on the experiences

In Country, In Trouble, Incapable ?

You've figured out all the personal and professional reasons why working overseas is a wise move.  Now you need to get settled, get registered, and get ready.   You have period of several days where you will be torn between personal and business obligations.   You'll likely want to impress your employer during the first few weeks but also have a focus on getting your personal life in order.  This involves work permits, driver license, resident permit, health insurance, bank accounts, and many other German agencies.   If you have kids, this can be a tense several weeks.   I'd make three recommendations.

1) Give yourself 5 days in country to get paperwork processed, visit needed agencies, get unpacked, explore some of your surroundings.  
2) Your employer MUST assign someone to assist you with all the necessary documents.  There are lines in all these agency offices.  If you get it wrong, it's back of the line.  Many agencies open from 8am-1pm only.  The translation assistance is critical for time and your emotional state. 
3) Bring your personal file with you.  This includes all the passports, birth certificate, marriage licence, drivers license, letter of employment.  

I recall there was a sequence of visits to get through all German agencies effectively.   It goes like this..

- Get a formal letter from your German employer (Arbeitsbescheinigung) stating your employment start date and title.  Get is signed and stamped by a senior official in the company.   Everything requires a stamp!
- Take that letter to your local bank and set up an account.   You'll need a passport and a small deposit but this will get you started.    Bring this account information to your employer.  Keep the BLZ# and Account#.
- Visit the ArbeitAmt (Employment Office) and you need to get Application for Work (Antrag auf Arbeitserlaubnis).  Complete them with your employeer, have them stamp it and sign.  Bring all forms, employment letter, passport, bank account and visit the agency.  This is a two-year stamp so you'll need to keep copies of this paperwork. 
- Visit your BergerAmt and complete the Application for Residence Permit.  This will require passports once again and they will be stampted.   Before your departure from your home town, ask for an official (stamped!) letter stating you have no criminal record, warrants or infractions with the local Police Dept.  It will likely be used during this visit. 
- Visit agency for KinderGeld (if you have children) and register for this stipend.  This allows for added income for care and feeding of the children.  They deposit this in your bank account directly. 

Bring several additional passport size photos of yourself.  These will be attached to various files for German agencies.  Start early with the process, get your employer to provide assistance, be prepared to visit some agency offices more than once.   Take a deep breath and relax for it will be over soon. 

Getting Packed and Saying Goodbye

There is a science as to how to pack for an extended vacation, and then there is the ultimate challenge of packing your life away.  I'm sure Sociologists learn much of human beings by what they keep and what they discarded prior to moving overseas.  It's not like moving to another town or another state.  There are things that you cannot take with you.  The car, fridge, washer/dryer, microwave, TV, DVDs, power tools, electric toothbrush, Jack Lalanne Juicer, George Foreman Grill, alarm clock, toaster, and many others.  There are clothes, furniture, pictures, and a garages full of gardening tools never expected to make the trip abroad.

I realize some items, like computers, have a 110/220v setting but those are the exception.   As you start your packing list for overseas, you'll have several things to consider.     Get a 8 week countdown list prepared and start with notifications, yard sales, and inventory of personal effects (Will, bank account, passports, insurance, etc).   Having 3-4 movers running around your house is overwhelming and it all goes out quickly.  If your company has not provided you with a mover, here is a list.   Get several quotes from movers and get your employer to pay the necessary fees.  You'll never be able to do packing, Customs documents, insurance forms, and unpacking by yourself.   If you get it wrong, your household items are held hostage by the Customs authorities until all the documents and tarrifs correct.  Pay the professionals to do this work!

Survivor Time
Your worldly possessions will be stuffed into a 20ft or 40ft shipping container and spend weeks at sea or in Customs.  Start thinking about the business and casual clothing to survive 2-3 months.  Start putting this aside now in suitcases.  Label it clearly for if you're not careful, the movers will just pack it into the container (and it happens all the time)!!   We placed all luggage inside the car on moving day...just to be safe.  

Back-up Box
Many employers will pay for a 'short box' of items that can be shipped via air.  This is a next-phase of essential items that cannot or should not go in your luggage.   You have an option for a 3x3x3 box to be shipped via airmail.  This should contain other items that are non-clothing related.  Most people pack the stroller, cases of baby formula, bike, favorite foods, books, desktop computer, power converter, CD collection, and many childrens toys.  You can expect delivery within only 5-6 days of your arrival overseas.   This box can be a lifesaver as you wait the 9-12 weeks for your shipping container to make port in Germany.   Think and be deliberate about what goes in the box and what stays out.  It will feel like a Christmas present when it arrives. 

Shipping Container
Everything that is not nailed down will be grabbed, wrapped, and loaded.   These movers take everything so if you don't label it, or move offsite, they will pack it up.   Be prepared that the things that you bring may never make it into your next home.   The couch may not fit into the living room, the queen boxspring won't go up the stairs, the desk may not get in the front door.   Bring it with you for it's easy to take it along now, then try to buy it later.   Small appliances should be purchased now when/where possible.  Don't bother with fridge, dishwasher, washing machine and other large appliances. This carries too much risk of damage in-route and you'll find plenty of these used items in the local papers.   

The conversion from the US Dollar to the Euro will make thing very expensive if you attempt to buy upon your arrival.   Likewise, every appliance has a 18% VAT (value added tax) to the purchase.   I highly recommend getting most of your small appliances in America, and put them in the shipping container.  
It will save you time and money to shop at home!   I've used stores in NC and IL.   There are dozens of stores across the USA.   Make a road-trip, load up the car, save hundreds on shipping.

Personal Package
Along with any luggage you intend to carry, you need to build an envelope of personal papers.   Get all medical records, passports, employment documents, travel insurance, work permits, bank statements, birth certificates, marriage license, pay stubs, school transcripts, and rental agreements or mortgage papers.  Keep that with you at all times for you will need it.  While any German agency may not read it, they may accept a translated version.  You will need this for any future visit to a bank, German labor office, or the US Embassy.   Keep it secret...keep it safe.   

Once everything is packed, and the movers have pulled away with the sea container, you'll stare around your empty home with some fear and anxiety.   You are now in the 'place between places' and there is no turning back.   Drink a beer, order in some pizza, have a picnic on the floor with the kids.   The journey has begun.

Relocation: Time for Negotiation

Many companies embrace and encourage the expat with the idea(s) that an employee gains multiple/new facets of the company, shares his/her ideas with counterparts, and returns ready to share key learnings.   For many multi-national companies, an executive cannot reach the next-level in their careers without an overseas assignment at a subsidiary.   Companies like IBM see it as a mandatory step for rank-and-file executive. 

Unfortunately, my company had no aspirations for cross-pollinating employees and their ideas.  Likewise, there is no defined management track whatsoever so any work overseas was for my own personal and professional desires.    To this day, the company has no defined 'expat package' for moving employees back and forth.   Therefore, I was told I must resign from the one (USA) company and sign new employment contracts with the (EMEA) subsidary.   If you've found out your company has no expat policies, that is a red flag!   Three key learnings surface this stage:

1) When a company has no defined relocation/expat policy, you have greater latitute in negotiation.
2) When a company has no defined relocation/expat policy, you do ALL the research by yourself. 
3) Few other expats exist to provide guidance. Lack of expat policy does not exactly encourage staff to risk their career, family, and financial wellbeing.

While there are several companies that publish the perfect expat package, here is what one should expect as the minimum before accepting an overseas assignment?  

Country of origin:
Guarantee of employment upon return (company did not offer this)
Executive mentor who can support your career/transition back stateside  (company did not offer this)
Cost relief for US Tax returns preparation (company did not offer this)
Cost of Realtor or cost relief associated with lease-buyout (company did not offer this)

Host country:
Cost relief for first year tax preparation fees
Packing and shipment of household items
Foreign language lessons @ min of 40 hrs or 2 week course and spouse @ min 20hrs or 1 week course
English-language school for children (company did not offer this)
Agent to translate/file work permits, driver license requests, bank account, residence permits
Thirty-days paid apartment rental while you find perminent residence. 

You might think Medical is your primary concern but Germany and most EU countries have good socialized health systems.  English-language schools are expected to be the most expensive item.   Expect to pay 15,000+ Euro per student/yr.   If you have children over 5yrs old, you better resolve this item now.   Putting them into the local school system can be beneficial, it could set the back a grade-level once you return to stateside.     When negotiating, also consider your employment status with the firm as either:

1) Still employeed by the US entity and simply 'on loan' to the overseas subsidiary?
2) Resigning from the US entity and considered a 'exempt' employee in the host company? 

There should be no interruption in your time of service/tenture between corporate entities.    

The Decision to Become an Expat

It all started rather simple when I look back on things. The year was 1997 and I'd been working for a $1.1B software company [name intentionally withheld] for just over 2 yrs. The company, while privately held, maintained offices around the world with a European headquarters in Germany.   I was working out of the Chicago sales office. 

I'd had an easy and successful career in sales and enjoyed the company culture and management style. I had enjoyed my commute to downtown Chicago, selling data mining software to the dozen major banks and credit card firms.  I was making a name for myself by sales and securing customer references.   Staff from overseas offices were asking me about how I was selling to my accounts, if their subsid banking operations would buy software, and so forth.   It never really seemed difficult considering the banks were always looking for an edge over the competition.

In March 1998, I had brought home a copy the annual report and left it on the kitchen table.  My wife looked at it and marveled at all the international offices maintained by my employer.  She had the impression we were just a simple US software operation, without much success overseas.   In actuality, the company had 30 offices in Europe. 

She triggered the conversation with the innocent statement, " It would be neat to live overseas for a year or two, huh?!"   That was start of bigger things to come.  I spent next 3 weeks writing a new business proposal for our European managers and pitching them my skills.   In Dec 1998, they were finally ready and able to bring me over to the German office for a meet & greet.   I had 2-3 days of interviews planned, my wife had 2-3 days of shopping and excursions.   We arrived during the famous Heidelberg Weinachtsmarkt.   If you ever want to win over the spouse, visit Germany during Christmas Market.   We had the 'rose-colored classes' firmly affixed to our faces.   

As I recall the events of that 'meet & greet' expedition, on the flight home we made the decision to take the job and relocate.   My wife had a distinctly different view of events.   There were dozens of questions that needed answers.  

In my view, it was now a matter of a currency converter (salary negotiations) and resolving cost-of-living adjustments.   Oh...there was that small matter of my wife having to quit her job, sell our home, dispose of two cars, and transition with a 5 month old son.   

Rule 1.  Get someone/something to win-over the spouse.
Rule 2.  Don't bother with email, contact Europeans by phone.
Rule 3.  Prepare the spouse early/often on planning.
Rule 4.  Nothing happens fast in Europe.